I can't with my new mac

So I finally did it. I bought a mac.

After spending a whole lifetime on PCs I decided to make the switch. Now I can blog again and I can stop stealing Dane's computer all the time. I even managed to get an illegal college student discount for this lovely MacBook Pro and the girl who sold it to me went to high school with me! Isn't that just the absolute most?!

She said I look exactly the same as I did in high school and haven't aged a bit! Aww isn't she just such a sweetie!?

I don't know why I have been so afraid of using macs my whole life. So far so good. After my stupid PC completely crashed and wouldnt even turn on I had a mini freak out that I had completely lost all my files and music and videos and photos and docs but thank god everything managed to be recovered from my hard drive and put onto this nifty macbook.

WHEW!

I look forward to discovering all the magic that is mac....

Stay tuned.

I'm totes gonna write more, I just wanted to check in.

I'm not dead. I've just been computer-less. Til now, of course.

MUAH BITCHES

I can't with New York Sex Club

I have finally joined a gym! New York Sports Club.

Dane and I joined together the other night. The guy who helped us was young and cute and gay and Colombian from Queens who happens to be born one day later than I was. Go figure! Two leos! Anyway, I guess I'll be seeing him around. Whatever.

What I really wanted to talk about is how much sex seems to be going on at this place! I came from Queens, (Astoria as you all know) and you would never catch this type of behavior at my old gym, the very fabulous Club Fitness. I do miss that gym very much. It had a gorgeous waterfull and a pond and laser light spinning classes. I felt like I was Ivana working out at Trump Tower. Not to mention the people that went there were mainly Greek and Italian blue collar Queens guys who were no nonsense juice heads that liked to get in, pump some iron and get the fuck out.

The last time I lived in Manhattan I had a gym in my building so New York Sports Club has pretty much been my first foray into Manhattan public gyms and lets just say, it's sleazy! I worked out for the first time today and all was going well until I went into the little personal training area upstairs behind all the machines where it's a little closed off from the rest of the gym and this latino guy comes over and even though he had all the space in the room to look in the mirror he came up directly next to me, about a foot away, lifted up his shirt and started feeling his body in the mirror. He put his hand down his pants!! I was like, umm i dunno if im ready for this, at least not at the gym.

Then, later on in the locker room, this white guy comes in from the gym and starts to get naked all the while looking at me change while Im getting ready to leave and he starts playing with himself right in front of me. Not to mention there were other people in the locker room. I immediately got nervous and turned around to where I heard these guys talking to see if they were noticing what was going on but I couldnt see them. The guy who was fondling himself peered over to see that there were people on the other side of the lockers so put his towel on, looked at me, and smiled as if to say, "Hey baby, come with me into the shower"

At that point I zipped up my hoodie and walked out.

Hey don't get me wrong, I'm a single gay male in NYC and I'm up to my own tricks for sure. I just dont know if I'm ready for these things to be happening at my gym. Maybe I'm old fashioned when it comes to working out. Maybe I just like to get in, pump, and get out, like those mediterranean goombas at my old gym. I do have to honestly say though that these little encounters completely took me by surprise and I wasn't expecting them at all.

Believe me, I've heard multiple stories about the saunas and the steam room (the low self-esteem room as I like to call it) but I didnt expect someone to fondle themselves in the weight area while I'm doing bicep curls.

Maybe I'm just being dramatic and it's all just new to me. Maybe one day i'll turn into one of these gym sluts like everyone else in NY but call me a prude, I guess I prefer real gay love in this town, the kind you can find online.

I can't with Kirstie Alley!

Earlier this month The Today Show ran a story about how helpful Scientologists are being in Haiti!

Today at work we edited a piece about John Travolta "helping" with the relief effort in Haiti!

Kirstie Alley is taking over A&E with her new show Kirstie Alley's Big Life! And what is she gonna do with her big fat A&E paychecks now!? You guessed it. Spend it on more OT Level VII auditing! (And by the looks of it, some pastries as well)

Who would've thought that lovable duo from Look Who's Talking, Look Who's Talking 2, and Look Who's Talking Now would perpetuate the goals of a sinister cult and unload more evil into this world!?

Listen John Travolta, you and $cientology are not fooling anybody. Your "relief" efforts have repeatedly proven to be nothing other than tragedy profiteering behind a VERY thinly veiled guise of minions in yellow t-shirts implementing pseudo scientific techniques with absolutely no empirical evidence to back it up. The PR videos released by your cult of you passing out food and water with your wife from the back of your plane are a disgusting reminder of the brainwashing tactics that must have been used on you to help you forget that you are supporting an organization that killed your son. It is no secret (as it was made public in undercover BBC recordings last year by top ranking ex-members of your cult) that "Volunteer Ministers" with the cult of $cientology are put in disaster areas to recruit and create "Protective Shields" around disaster victims so as not to expose them to "dangerous" psychological and psychiatric attention from qualified medical practitioners.

And you listen to me too Kirstie Alley. Seeing posters of your fat ass everywhere now licking cupcakes is making me nauseas. The only "reality" show that should be accurately made of your life and your "struggle" to get back on top should be about how you are trying to escape the nefarious clutches of a Orwellian sect that has been raping your mind and wallet for years. I don't care how much of a sense of humor you want to pretend to have on camera for a paycheck about being fat, you should use your platform in life to speak out about the crimes of the organization you have unfortunately chosen to support. Valerie Bertinelli is and always will be cuter.

I never liked you anyway for being the only Cheers member to not appear on Frasier either because it portrayed a psychiatrist in a positive light.

Kirstie, you claim Narconon got you off drugs, girl? Interesting being that Narconon employs $cientologists with no medical training nor any therapeutic practices in addiction recovery and education. What they are educated in is sales tactics and recruitment methods and I guess it seems to have worked wonders on you babe as they fully convinced you that they are the ones responsible for helping you kick your cocaine habit. You should have them help you learn how to kick your butter habit too.

"Life. Lick it."?! Lick this, bitch.

I can't with no computer

Hey y'all. Oy my computer broke. Can you believe?! It's been a whole week now without one. Good thing I moved in with Dane, right? I'm using his now while he's out dancing on bartops. Shhh! K?

And when I say broken I mean like the thing is loaded with spyware, gets pop ups all the time, it's 5 years old, and the screen actually cracked and like the bottom half of it sometimes goes black so I have to make all the windows small and pull them to the top of the screen so I can actually go to webpages. The thing is janky boo and it's time for me to get a new one. The other day I went to turn it on and it won't even do that anymore so I might as well put it out with the rest of the trash around here.

Speaking of all that trash, I have to say that the clean up at the new apartment has been going a lot better this week then last. Dane had a buncha crazy spells where he stayed up all night being cracksy but hey at least she cleaned and straightened the place out while she was going through it. The place looked like hoarders last week and now it's just a little cluttered. Hopefully next week it'll be as fresh as The Situation's abs after his daily GTL routine baby.

I had a mini GTL experience of my own today when I dropped my laundry off around the corner from my place for the first time. I couldn't believe it when the laundry lady weighed my 20lb bag and said it would be $23.50 for the load to be washed. That comes out to a little more than an dollar a pound!! In Queens, the laundry was like 60 cents a pound! So I move to manhattan to find cheaper rent and more expensive expenses, go figure!!! Time to start changing my dollar bills and saving quarters baby. I guess I should buy some laundry detergent too. Preferably on sale.

After my Laundry experience, it was off to a little lunch at a rather cheap but quite good place right down the block that I discovered today. I'll definitely be going back. I still haven't joined a gym yet up here but today after brunch I toured a little gym on 106th street called Body Strength Fitness. The place was a little small, a little ramshackle but it seems to be the only local gym around here and it's quite reasonably priced so I think I might join. I mean the gym for me has never been much of a social outing and I don't feel like traveling to Chelsea for Junior Vasquez on the turn tables and Amanda Lepore on the elliptical next to me while I work out.

With summer right around the corner I've been walking around with this overwhelming sense of guilt for eating whatever I want lately and not going to the gym at all. At least when I had my computer I could do my little recessionista workout in my bedroom on my yoga mat with 8 minute abs, 8 minute buns, and 8 minute chest playing on YouTube on my laptop on my bed. I used to do it late at night and the music that plays in the background is reminiscent of 90's Cinemax softcore porn sounds so I can only imagine what the neighbors thought I was watching. At the end, the trainer in the videos would say, "You did a great job! I'll see you in 24 hours!" to which I would reply back to my laptop, "No! I'll see YOU in 24 hours!" Ugh I need to get a new laptop (or a real life trainer) stat!

After the little gym tour today I purchased curtains from the home store and hung them in my room. (ok so maybe Taylor hung them for me) but I helped a lot and provided entertainment for him while he worked. I think they came out rather nice and I'd love to show you a pic but I can't upload anymore til I get a new computer. Now at least the neighbors in the back of the building dont have to watch me get naked all the time. It seems as if every room in the apartment has a direct view of a different neighbor. I'm laying on the couch in my living room right now looking at the neighbors across the airshaft hanging out the windows smoking joints and lighting bowls. They're looking at me and thinking, "What's a cute boy like that doing home on the couch on his computer eating Doritos on a Saturday night? Why isn't he over here getting high with us? Maybe he's online looking for love, Oh wait, it's Valentine's Day too. I bet he needs a hug. Poor thing. Is he watching Lovers Lane weekend on Lifetime too?!"

Oh whatever!! What do they know?! They're a buncha potheads! They have the munchies and are jealous of my Doritos. Go smoke your pot, stoners!!

We definitely need to buy some curtains for the living room next. After my new computer of course.


I'll see you in 24 hours!

I can't with living in hoarders house

Oh my god! I haven't been blogging. I know I know but listen queens, I moved! And it was a mess! It still is. Then I got told by this cute guy I was hanging out with over text message that he didn't want to hang out anymore. And I even lost the lotto again! Can you believe all that happened in the course of a week? Plus all this great TV has been on to distract me. I know, no excuse. I'm back.

Seriously tho, I've been totally living out of boxes; I don't know where anything is. I'm still sleeping on the floor (on my matress at least). Our new place is covered in junk, our junk, but junk all the same. We still need to sort through it all and it's a non-stop seemingly neverending process. I had to go back to work too. I had taken Monday off to paint and organize and stuff but honestly, Dane and I coulda used the whole fucking week off. (I wound up painting my new room "Chocolate Milk", a light light brown which was left over from the living room in my old apartment and Dane picked out "Oat Straw" for his which is a light creamy almost sage color)

The move went smoothly for the most part I guess. Blake and Dane came to my old Astoria apt at 8am Sunday morning. We loaded the truck with all my shit and were done with my place around 9:30. The landlord came to inspect my place and was totally giving me grief over my yellow kitchen wall and I was all, "Look, yellow is a light color bitch!", so they let me go. We then drove the truck to Dane's, loaded his stuff, stopped at Le McDonald's to treat Blake to a lovely lunch which we ate in the truck while Dane's fish George almost died. (He managed to pull through though.) We then made our final schlep across the 59th street bridge up to the UWS to greet our new home.

We hired some movers to drag all our stuff up 3 flights of stairs to our 4th floor apartment and they were supposed to be at our new place at 1 but didn't show up til around 2 at which point exhaustion had set in from me being up all night packing and I completely checked out. I just stood in a daze pointing out places to them where stuff should go but all I wanted to do was nap. Finally the move was over at 5pm. All of our stuff had made it safely upstairs but was now in heaping piles of merged belongings completely covering every inch of the tiny little apartment I would now be sharing with Dane.

Needless to say, we have a lot of work to do.

I feel like I am living on that A&E show Hoarders and I need help. Hoarders is this fabulous show about people who can't throw anything out and completely engulf themselves in their homes with clutter and garbage and junk. Then the family comes in and is like, "Look queen, you are a hot mess!" Then the hoarder is all, "Oh it's not that bad, it's just a little cluttered." Then a clinical psychologist specializing in compulsive hoarding comes in and is all, "Actually no honey! You ARE a hot mess, BUT there's help!" Then 1800 Got Junk comes to save the day and throws out a lot of their stuff while the hoarder has mental breakdowns and anxiety attacks watching them clear dead animal remains and dirty diapers out of their living rooms.

Sometimes when I would get sad Hoarders would be the only show that would make me feel better. Lately it hasn't been helping!! :(

I need 1800GotJunk pronto! At least to bring some of this trash back down the 3 flights of stairs it came up on. Time for a major downsize! I know there is a light at the end of the tunnel but it's gonna take time, a little bit of patience, a whole lot of trash bags, and a couple mental breakdowns and anxiety attacks myself before I'll finally see that there is a life beyond this clutter. Fortunately I did laundry before I left Queens because I can find clean clothes and underwear in my laundry bag at least to wear to work. Dane has been great too. When he's not caulking, grouting, polishing and sealing the floors in my bedroom, he's cleaning a lot and putting stuff away and slowly the piles are getting smaller and smaller.

Hey, at least we're not finding dead cat carcasses and diapers at the bottom of the heaps.

Throughout all this mess, I was told by a boy I liked on text to go away right in the middle of my post-move nap on Sunday night. Fortunately I've had my DVR to help me through it and a slew of shows that I am completely living for including Bitch Fashion Goddess Kelly Cuttrone in her new reality show Kell on Earth. (I made sure time warner was here to set up the cable the moment we moved in of course) Ru Paul's Drag Race is also back in it's second season, plus the return of Shear Genius, and tried and true faves, The Real World DC and Project Runway and Miss Wendy every morning. So, I've been finding solace in trash TV for me to draw parallels to my life from and sometimes that's all I need to keep me going.

I have had moments of feeling a little lost in my new element the past week. The commute has taken some getting used to. I miss the N and W train terribly and it's weird not going home to Queens every night. I've been recalling that Jewel song lately where she hears the clock, it's 6AM, she feels so far from where she's been. I can relate Jewel. I feel far away from my comfort zone of outer borough living. I've got my eggs, I've got my pancakes too. Got my maple syrup, everything but you (Astoria).

When we painted on Monday I also got my orange wall in the living room and was relieved that the apartment was starting to feel personal and a little like my old place in Astoria. We decided on a cheeky shade of orange we found at Home Depot called Autumn Orange which to me looks more like Summer Orange but she's cute and the place is starting to feel like a home. I also found out yesterday that Dane and I moved in above the only gay bar on the Upper West Side. It's called Suite and he and I ventured there together tonight where we hung out with cute karaoke Columbia kids and transexual bartenders and fat drag queens and I have to say it was nice to be amongst the normal people and have this area start to feel like a neighborhood.

It's supposed to snow this weekend too. Maybe we'll be snowed in and actually whip this apartment into shape some more.

So in the meantime, I'll break the yolks and make a smiley face. I kinda like it in my brand new place. Oh where have you been Jewel!?!

I can't with being a lotto loser

So I didn't win the millions. It wasn't in the cards, or in this case, the ticket.

I got all ready in my apartment for the moment they read out the numbers and I would become a millionaire. I ordered from my favorite chinese takeout place Golden Dragon and set it up on my coffee table and turned to channel 7 at exactly 10:59PM. (I thought to myself, this will be the last time I eat a $7 combo plate again!! From now on it's class central!) The whole thing happened so quickly. I couldn't even register the numbers the guy was reading out loud but they flashed them on the screen again at the end for me to cross check my ticket. 38-7-39-8-48 with a mega ball of 22.

I wasn't even close.

Oh well. What I did win tonight however was a chance to dream. Besides who wants to win all that money anyway?! Money makes people crazy! I watched an E! true hollywood story once called "Lotto Losers" and it was about all these people whose lives were torn apart from winning the lotto. Some of them made bad investments, some gambled it all away. Some had death threats made against them, some had people hounding them for money, some got beat up, extorted, lost it all to drugs, sex, even murder, you name it! I could see people now being like, "That Glenn was sure on a good path, until he won that mega millions and it all went downhill from there!"

I also recalled a movie from the mid-90s called It Could Happen to You. In it, Nicholas Cage is a cop married to Rosie Perez who does nails and they live in Queens. Nicholas Cage plays the lotto one day (i dunno if it was Mega Millions) and goes to a diner after and doesn't have enough money to tip Bridget Fonda, the waitress. So he makes a deal that if he wins the lotto he will split his winnings with her. That night he wins 4 million dollars and keeps his word to Bridget Fonda and when Rosie Perez finds out she goes all Queens Puerto Rican boriqua crazy on his ass!! She has massive shopping sprees at Tiffany's and Bendel's and wears fur and gets red paint splashed on her and gets big breast implants and then runs off with some investment banker who steals all her money and in the end she's left broke living with her mom.

Is that who I want to wind up like?! Rosie Perez?! I don't think so. Could you imagine? And that's just the sort of thing that could've happened if I won tonight so it's probably for the best that I'm right back exactly where I started.

Thank you for helping me realize my dreams though Mega-Millions!! And for keeping my life still in tact.

p.s. my fortune cookie tonight says, "Why not treat yourself to a good time instead of waiting for someone else to do it?"

(Maybe that means I should play again.)

I can't with the mega-millions

Tonight I did something I never did before. I played the lotto. It was the New York State Mega-Millions jackpot which I kept hearing about all day and decided I would play.

A few things helped me reach that decision. A. I'm broke. B. With a lot of things changing in my life recently I figured, "What the hell - I'm feelin' lucky!" and C. I put on eyewitness news today at work and heard Sade Baderinwa talking to Lee Goldberg about it and they both said that they were taking their chances on it as well and that completely sealed the deal for me. If Sade and Lee were going for it, I would too. We would be in this together. (Diana Williams must've taken the night off)

I told my producer Amita at work that I was thinking of playing and had never done it before and didnt know where to get a ticket. So a little while after she left for the day she called me to tell me about a bodega she passed on 44th street and 3rd avenue with a big mega-millions sign outside and I should go there to get my ticket. I packed up and left the office and headed to the bodega ready for my chance at the millions!

When I got there I walked right up to the middle-eastern guy at the counter and said, "HI! I've never done this before but I'd like to play the mega-millions lotto jackpot and don't know what to do!" He didn't seem too impressed by my naive eagerness but handed me a orange lotto slip (my favorite color! a good sign!!), pointed to the back of it for me to read the directions, and made a motion and a kind of grunty noise for me to get out of his face and step aside. I walked over to a little area in the bodega where I saw people were hard at work scratching tickets and penciling numbers and put my ticket on the counter to read the directions. A nice black woman who saw that I was new here said, "Hey baby all you gotta do is check the quick pick boxes and the machines will pick the numbers for you. Or you can choose your own five numbers on top, and one number at the bottom as the jackpot number." I thanked her so much for helping me out and decided that I would let the machine pick the numbers for 3 of my games and I'd randomly pick some numbers for the 2 other ones. (I wanted to feel like I was at least in a little bit of control) There were 5 total on each card at a dollar a pop. I filled them out, paid my five dollars, got a print out of my soon to be winning numbers and put them in my bag and went on my way.

As I left the bodega and went skipping to the train on my way to the gym I started thinking to myself of all the things I was gonna do with the money. I have a dentist appointment tomorrow and I'm still paying off my visit to them from the last time I went. With my winnings from the mega-millions I'll surprise all those girls in the dental office with a big hunka cash and order the braces and veneers I wanted to get but couldn't afford. I'll fly to the next leg of Lady Gaga's tour in the UK and Ireland next month and have front row seats and backstage passes for all her shows. We'll meet backstage and take lotsa pics and I'll be like "I'm putting these on facebook Gaga!!!" and she'll be like "Do it you little monster!!!" and I'll be like "I'll tag you girl!!" and she'll be like, "I need photo approval first bitch!" and I'll be like, "Oh ok, anything for you Gaga!!" and when I meet her I'll finally be rocking that perm I wanted to put in my hair but didn't get because I wanted to save money!

I'll definitely buy vacations and presents for my family. I might even share with some of the people I work with who supported me in my first time playing the lotto. We'll go out to lunch and I'll hire the Jersey Shore cast to come with us because everyone in my office is obsessed with that show and would adore a lunch with JWoww and Pauly D and Snooks. (I dunno if I'd want Sammy and Ronnie there though because it would be too much drama!) They're all in contract disputes with MTV now anyway so they will need the cash!

I'll sail around the world! I've never even been on a cruise! I'll go back to Colombia where I was born and stay in really nice hotels and sightsee all of South America. Then I'll go to Iceland and New Zealand and Egypt and everywhere else I have wanted to see. I'll buy an apartment in Manhattan and let my friends stay there while I am away on my travels. I'll get a dog and name it Schnickers! I'll buy a house on Fire Island and let everyone stay there in the summers for free! I'll put money aside for my new nephew's college fund. I'll be a hero. Everyone will love me.

When I got on the 7 train to head back to Queens I could feel the winning ticket burning a hole in my bag. I looked around to see if anyone was eyeing me and noticed some lady looking right at me and my bag. "What do you think you're lookin at lady!?! Get your own mega-millions ticket!" I thought to myself.

It made me think of Charlie in Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory (the Gene Wilder one kids) when he wins the last golden ticket and the guy pulls him from the mob scene crowd that begins gathering around him in the candy shop after he wins. The candy shop owner manages to scurry little Charlie on his way and screams "Run home Charlie!! Run straight home and don't turn back!!" I had to get home with this ticket! I had to make it back to my place safe and sound before a mob scene descended on me and the winning ticket in my bag.

I bet Charlie was as hopeful then as I am now. I guess this why those regulars today in the bodega play the lotto all the time. It gives them their dreams to think about on the way to the train. It puts hope in their heads as they imagine all they'll be able to do for themselves and the people they love once they become a "winner". It's worth it to them for a brief instant on a train ride back to their home in Queens that just possibly they could be holding onto something worth 121 million dollars and not have to worry anymore.

Whether or not I win tonight remains to be seen but the feeling I've been given to realize my dreams this evening has been fantastic.

I better check what channel to watch tonight! (What am I doing?! I really should be packing! Oy!) If I win, I'm totally paying people to pack for me.

Hey, ya never know.....