I can't with my new mac

So I finally did it. I bought a mac.

After spending a whole lifetime on PCs I decided to make the switch. Now I can blog again and I can stop stealing Dane's computer all the time. I even managed to get an illegal college student discount for this lovely MacBook Pro and the girl who sold it to me went to high school with me! Isn't that just the absolute most?!

She said I look exactly the same as I did in high school and haven't aged a bit! Aww isn't she just such a sweetie!?

I don't know why I have been so afraid of using macs my whole life. So far so good. After my stupid PC completely crashed and wouldnt even turn on I had a mini freak out that I had completely lost all my files and music and videos and photos and docs but thank god everything managed to be recovered from my hard drive and put onto this nifty macbook.

WHEW!

I look forward to discovering all the magic that is mac....

Stay tuned.

I'm totes gonna write more, I just wanted to check in.

I'm not dead. I've just been computer-less. Til now, of course.

MUAH BITCHES

I can't with New York Sex Club

I have finally joined a gym! New York Sports Club.

Dane and I joined together the other night. The guy who helped us was young and cute and gay and Colombian from Queens who happens to be born one day later than I was. Go figure! Two leos! Anyway, I guess I'll be seeing him around. Whatever.

What I really wanted to talk about is how much sex seems to be going on at this place! I came from Queens, (Astoria as you all know) and you would never catch this type of behavior at my old gym, the very fabulous Club Fitness. I do miss that gym very much. It had a gorgeous waterfull and a pond and laser light spinning classes. I felt like I was Ivana working out at Trump Tower. Not to mention the people that went there were mainly Greek and Italian blue collar Queens guys who were no nonsense juice heads that liked to get in, pump some iron and get the fuck out.

The last time I lived in Manhattan I had a gym in my building so New York Sports Club has pretty much been my first foray into Manhattan public gyms and lets just say, it's sleazy! I worked out for the first time today and all was going well until I went into the little personal training area upstairs behind all the machines where it's a little closed off from the rest of the gym and this latino guy comes over and even though he had all the space in the room to look in the mirror he came up directly next to me, about a foot away, lifted up his shirt and started feeling his body in the mirror. He put his hand down his pants!! I was like, umm i dunno if im ready for this, at least not at the gym.

Then, later on in the locker room, this white guy comes in from the gym and starts to get naked all the while looking at me change while Im getting ready to leave and he starts playing with himself right in front of me. Not to mention there were other people in the locker room. I immediately got nervous and turned around to where I heard these guys talking to see if they were noticing what was going on but I couldnt see them. The guy who was fondling himself peered over to see that there were people on the other side of the lockers so put his towel on, looked at me, and smiled as if to say, "Hey baby, come with me into the shower"

At that point I zipped up my hoodie and walked out.

Hey don't get me wrong, I'm a single gay male in NYC and I'm up to my own tricks for sure. I just dont know if I'm ready for these things to be happening at my gym. Maybe I'm old fashioned when it comes to working out. Maybe I just like to get in, pump, and get out, like those mediterranean goombas at my old gym. I do have to honestly say though that these little encounters completely took me by surprise and I wasn't expecting them at all.

Believe me, I've heard multiple stories about the saunas and the steam room (the low self-esteem room as I like to call it) but I didnt expect someone to fondle themselves in the weight area while I'm doing bicep curls.

Maybe I'm just being dramatic and it's all just new to me. Maybe one day i'll turn into one of these gym sluts like everyone else in NY but call me a prude, I guess I prefer real gay love in this town, the kind you can find online.

I can't with Kirstie Alley!

Earlier this month The Today Show ran a story about how helpful Scientologists are being in Haiti!

Today at work we edited a piece about John Travolta "helping" with the relief effort in Haiti!

Kirstie Alley is taking over A&E with her new show Kirstie Alley's Big Life! And what is she gonna do with her big fat A&E paychecks now!? You guessed it. Spend it on more OT Level VII auditing! (And by the looks of it, some pastries as well)

Who would've thought that lovable duo from Look Who's Talking, Look Who's Talking 2, and Look Who's Talking Now would perpetuate the goals of a sinister cult and unload more evil into this world!?

Listen John Travolta, you and $cientology are not fooling anybody. Your "relief" efforts have repeatedly proven to be nothing other than tragedy profiteering behind a VERY thinly veiled guise of minions in yellow t-shirts implementing pseudo scientific techniques with absolutely no empirical evidence to back it up. The PR videos released by your cult of you passing out food and water with your wife from the back of your plane are a disgusting reminder of the brainwashing tactics that must have been used on you to help you forget that you are supporting an organization that killed your son. It is no secret (as it was made public in undercover BBC recordings last year by top ranking ex-members of your cult) that "Volunteer Ministers" with the cult of $cientology are put in disaster areas to recruit and create "Protective Shields" around disaster victims so as not to expose them to "dangerous" psychological and psychiatric attention from qualified medical practitioners.

And you listen to me too Kirstie Alley. Seeing posters of your fat ass everywhere now licking cupcakes is making me nauseas. The only "reality" show that should be accurately made of your life and your "struggle" to get back on top should be about how you are trying to escape the nefarious clutches of a Orwellian sect that has been raping your mind and wallet for years. I don't care how much of a sense of humor you want to pretend to have on camera for a paycheck about being fat, you should use your platform in life to speak out about the crimes of the organization you have unfortunately chosen to support. Valerie Bertinelli is and always will be cuter.

I never liked you anyway for being the only Cheers member to not appear on Frasier either because it portrayed a psychiatrist in a positive light.

Kirstie, you claim Narconon got you off drugs, girl? Interesting being that Narconon employs $cientologists with no medical training nor any therapeutic practices in addiction recovery and education. What they are educated in is sales tactics and recruitment methods and I guess it seems to have worked wonders on you babe as they fully convinced you that they are the ones responsible for helping you kick your cocaine habit. You should have them help you learn how to kick your butter habit too.

"Life. Lick it."?! Lick this, bitch.

I can't with no computer

Hey y'all. Oy my computer broke. Can you believe?! It's been a whole week now without one. Good thing I moved in with Dane, right? I'm using his now while he's out dancing on bartops. Shhh! K?

And when I say broken I mean like the thing is loaded with spyware, gets pop ups all the time, it's 5 years old, and the screen actually cracked and like the bottom half of it sometimes goes black so I have to make all the windows small and pull them to the top of the screen so I can actually go to webpages. The thing is janky boo and it's time for me to get a new one. The other day I went to turn it on and it won't even do that anymore so I might as well put it out with the rest of the trash around here.

Speaking of all that trash, I have to say that the clean up at the new apartment has been going a lot better this week then last. Dane had a buncha crazy spells where he stayed up all night being cracksy but hey at least she cleaned and straightened the place out while she was going through it. The place looked like hoarders last week and now it's just a little cluttered. Hopefully next week it'll be as fresh as The Situation's abs after his daily GTL routine baby.

I had a mini GTL experience of my own today when I dropped my laundry off around the corner from my place for the first time. I couldn't believe it when the laundry lady weighed my 20lb bag and said it would be $23.50 for the load to be washed. That comes out to a little more than an dollar a pound!! In Queens, the laundry was like 60 cents a pound! So I move to manhattan to find cheaper rent and more expensive expenses, go figure!!! Time to start changing my dollar bills and saving quarters baby. I guess I should buy some laundry detergent too. Preferably on sale.

After my Laundry experience, it was off to a little lunch at a rather cheap but quite good place right down the block that I discovered today. I'll definitely be going back. I still haven't joined a gym yet up here but today after brunch I toured a little gym on 106th street called Body Strength Fitness. The place was a little small, a little ramshackle but it seems to be the only local gym around here and it's quite reasonably priced so I think I might join. I mean the gym for me has never been much of a social outing and I don't feel like traveling to Chelsea for Junior Vasquez on the turn tables and Amanda Lepore on the elliptical next to me while I work out.

With summer right around the corner I've been walking around with this overwhelming sense of guilt for eating whatever I want lately and not going to the gym at all. At least when I had my computer I could do my little recessionista workout in my bedroom on my yoga mat with 8 minute abs, 8 minute buns, and 8 minute chest playing on YouTube on my laptop on my bed. I used to do it late at night and the music that plays in the background is reminiscent of 90's Cinemax softcore porn sounds so I can only imagine what the neighbors thought I was watching. At the end, the trainer in the videos would say, "You did a great job! I'll see you in 24 hours!" to which I would reply back to my laptop, "No! I'll see YOU in 24 hours!" Ugh I need to get a new laptop (or a real life trainer) stat!

After the little gym tour today I purchased curtains from the home store and hung them in my room. (ok so maybe Taylor hung them for me) but I helped a lot and provided entertainment for him while he worked. I think they came out rather nice and I'd love to show you a pic but I can't upload anymore til I get a new computer. Now at least the neighbors in the back of the building dont have to watch me get naked all the time. It seems as if every room in the apartment has a direct view of a different neighbor. I'm laying on the couch in my living room right now looking at the neighbors across the airshaft hanging out the windows smoking joints and lighting bowls. They're looking at me and thinking, "What's a cute boy like that doing home on the couch on his computer eating Doritos on a Saturday night? Why isn't he over here getting high with us? Maybe he's online looking for love, Oh wait, it's Valentine's Day too. I bet he needs a hug. Poor thing. Is he watching Lovers Lane weekend on Lifetime too?!"

Oh whatever!! What do they know?! They're a buncha potheads! They have the munchies and are jealous of my Doritos. Go smoke your pot, stoners!!

We definitely need to buy some curtains for the living room next. After my new computer of course.


I'll see you in 24 hours!

I can't with living in hoarders house

Oh my god! I haven't been blogging. I know I know but listen queens, I moved! And it was a mess! It still is. Then I got told by this cute guy I was hanging out with over text message that he didn't want to hang out anymore. And I even lost the lotto again! Can you believe all that happened in the course of a week? Plus all this great TV has been on to distract me. I know, no excuse. I'm back.

Seriously tho, I've been totally living out of boxes; I don't know where anything is. I'm still sleeping on the floor (on my matress at least). Our new place is covered in junk, our junk, but junk all the same. We still need to sort through it all and it's a non-stop seemingly neverending process. I had to go back to work too. I had taken Monday off to paint and organize and stuff but honestly, Dane and I coulda used the whole fucking week off. (I wound up painting my new room "Chocolate Milk", a light light brown which was left over from the living room in my old apartment and Dane picked out "Oat Straw" for his which is a light creamy almost sage color)

The move went smoothly for the most part I guess. Blake and Dane came to my old Astoria apt at 8am Sunday morning. We loaded the truck with all my shit and were done with my place around 9:30. The landlord came to inspect my place and was totally giving me grief over my yellow kitchen wall and I was all, "Look, yellow is a light color bitch!", so they let me go. We then drove the truck to Dane's, loaded his stuff, stopped at Le McDonald's to treat Blake to a lovely lunch which we ate in the truck while Dane's fish George almost died. (He managed to pull through though.) We then made our final schlep across the 59th street bridge up to the UWS to greet our new home.

We hired some movers to drag all our stuff up 3 flights of stairs to our 4th floor apartment and they were supposed to be at our new place at 1 but didn't show up til around 2 at which point exhaustion had set in from me being up all night packing and I completely checked out. I just stood in a daze pointing out places to them where stuff should go but all I wanted to do was nap. Finally the move was over at 5pm. All of our stuff had made it safely upstairs but was now in heaping piles of merged belongings completely covering every inch of the tiny little apartment I would now be sharing with Dane.

Needless to say, we have a lot of work to do.

I feel like I am living on that A&E show Hoarders and I need help. Hoarders is this fabulous show about people who can't throw anything out and completely engulf themselves in their homes with clutter and garbage and junk. Then the family comes in and is like, "Look queen, you are a hot mess!" Then the hoarder is all, "Oh it's not that bad, it's just a little cluttered." Then a clinical psychologist specializing in compulsive hoarding comes in and is all, "Actually no honey! You ARE a hot mess, BUT there's help!" Then 1800 Got Junk comes to save the day and throws out a lot of their stuff while the hoarder has mental breakdowns and anxiety attacks watching them clear dead animal remains and dirty diapers out of their living rooms.

Sometimes when I would get sad Hoarders would be the only show that would make me feel better. Lately it hasn't been helping!! :(

I need 1800GotJunk pronto! At least to bring some of this trash back down the 3 flights of stairs it came up on. Time for a major downsize! I know there is a light at the end of the tunnel but it's gonna take time, a little bit of patience, a whole lot of trash bags, and a couple mental breakdowns and anxiety attacks myself before I'll finally see that there is a life beyond this clutter. Fortunately I did laundry before I left Queens because I can find clean clothes and underwear in my laundry bag at least to wear to work. Dane has been great too. When he's not caulking, grouting, polishing and sealing the floors in my bedroom, he's cleaning a lot and putting stuff away and slowly the piles are getting smaller and smaller.

Hey, at least we're not finding dead cat carcasses and diapers at the bottom of the heaps.

Throughout all this mess, I was told by a boy I liked on text to go away right in the middle of my post-move nap on Sunday night. Fortunately I've had my DVR to help me through it and a slew of shows that I am completely living for including Bitch Fashion Goddess Kelly Cuttrone in her new reality show Kell on Earth. (I made sure time warner was here to set up the cable the moment we moved in of course) Ru Paul's Drag Race is also back in it's second season, plus the return of Shear Genius, and tried and true faves, The Real World DC and Project Runway and Miss Wendy every morning. So, I've been finding solace in trash TV for me to draw parallels to my life from and sometimes that's all I need to keep me going.

I have had moments of feeling a little lost in my new element the past week. The commute has taken some getting used to. I miss the N and W train terribly and it's weird not going home to Queens every night. I've been recalling that Jewel song lately where she hears the clock, it's 6AM, she feels so far from where she's been. I can relate Jewel. I feel far away from my comfort zone of outer borough living. I've got my eggs, I've got my pancakes too. Got my maple syrup, everything but you (Astoria).

When we painted on Monday I also got my orange wall in the living room and was relieved that the apartment was starting to feel personal and a little like my old place in Astoria. We decided on a cheeky shade of orange we found at Home Depot called Autumn Orange which to me looks more like Summer Orange but she's cute and the place is starting to feel like a home. I also found out yesterday that Dane and I moved in above the only gay bar on the Upper West Side. It's called Suite and he and I ventured there together tonight where we hung out with cute karaoke Columbia kids and transexual bartenders and fat drag queens and I have to say it was nice to be amongst the normal people and have this area start to feel like a neighborhood.

It's supposed to snow this weekend too. Maybe we'll be snowed in and actually whip this apartment into shape some more.

So in the meantime, I'll break the yolks and make a smiley face. I kinda like it in my brand new place. Oh where have you been Jewel!?!